AL-FATIHAH

My mother died on the 7th October 2010 at 6am, right before Subuh. She had high blood pressure and all the old people's sickness, but she wasn't really that sick, and that caught us all by surprise, especially me. I knew she was going to die one day (everybody will) but I wasn't expecting her to go so soon. I didn't cry when I heard the news. I thought maybe I was in shock. I didn't cry when I told my sister, when I arrived and saw her calm, beautiful face on the deathbed. I didn't cry when I prepared for her Kafan, when we carried her coffin to the mosque, when the imam asked the family to give their last respects and finally when I buried her. I didn't cry then and I still haven't cried now. Shan told me that there are a lot of ways to show your grief, and crying happens to be the most popular choice. I guess I'm not popular.

Mama, I'm soo sorry I fucked up my life, made yours miserable, didn't see or call you enough, lied to you most of the time, couldn't make you laugh as much as I wanted to, didn't make you happy, didn't make you proud, dropping out of Architecture school, going to Architecture school in the first place, going out with the girls you hated, smoke ciggarettes like a fucking dragon, did drugs and enjoyed them although you hated them with all your life, never believed a word you said, never read the Holy Quran as much as you would like me to read, not praying long enough,  dissapointing you with a lot of my choices in life...I know you wanted the best for me, and I hope someday I can give the best for you in your eternal life. I'm sorry for everything, Ma. Have a good rest while waiting for the Judgement Day. You deserve it. I love you.
Al-Fatihah..